He said he thought he was going to have a panic attack and that he HAD to get out of there. So. He left. Twenty minutes later, when he realized being out hadn't made him feel any better - he went back and asked if he could come back. They said no, he'd have to wait 90 days and then go back on the waiting list.
He found a way back to Dayton (the treatment center is about 20 miles away) and came to my house and didn't want me to be mad at him. I wasn't as much mad as deeply, DEEPLY disappointed in him. So disappointed I couldn't really find words to express how I felt. I told him, even though I love him and that will never change, I was at my limit of answers to his questions of how to fix all the problems he has created for himself. He was there for about 45 minutes.
C came home from work, and we headed out to get something for supper, so we dropped Dusty off at a NA meeting downtown. On the way C, asked me - in front of Dusty - if I had told him what my limits were going to be with him now - which I'm so glad she did. But that got me crying, crying and talking about how scared I am for him and how hard it is to know when I'm enabling and when helping is really helping. Once I opened all that up - that was pretty much it for me, for the evening. I let myself feel what I needed to feel and cry as much as I wanted. I think I fell asleep on the couch about 10:15.
Right now, I'm working on accepting that not everyone has to go to treatment to get/stay clean - it just makes it a hellofalot harder. I'm also working on staying strong and clear headed so I can set boundaries with him as things come up, 'cause he's a little tornado, right now just looking for places to touch down.
Remember my post from a week or so ago - me, visualizing myself as a tree?
A tree has no choice but to weather a tornado.
Me? Well, this is where the analogy ends.
The most loving thing I can do for myself and Dusty is to step away and let him twist and turn and find his own way to either his bottom or a path out of destruction toward a peaceful, drug free life.
And I thought it would be Dusty who would be doing the hard work of surrendering to the disease of drug addiction this week...
...silly me.
